Thursday, December 17, 2015

Crimbo & Celebration Epic Fails

Thanksgiving is long gone and with that are the family celebratory brunches. Brunches because every household in the United States needs to spend the rest of the day thanking their lucky stars they elbowed their way through the line of sight towards that $200 52" flat screen TV. And woe betide anyone who gets in their way will be thankful they avoided a black eye or broken nose. Within three years, I place hard cash that the US will be celebrating Thanksgiving breakfast as mandatory practice so they have more credit card burn time for the rest of the day, night and right through to Cyber Monday. Giving thanks now reverts immediately to store cat fights and survival of the fittest that they blew their savings and are grateful they have a month to rally the cash in order to pay off the credit card debt. What a wonderful nation that can pivot so quickly in priorities, collectively. It takes 'united' States to a whole new level.

With Christmas just a mere 7 days away, the same gorging of food, racing to buy crap gifts for someone who you barely know but have decades of conjoined blood lines running through you both, and gluttony personified, will be the sole objective. Oh, the baby Jesus would be so proud of what you achieved and how you celebrate his life. Not only is our 'happy holidays' caption politically and non religiously correct, but now we don't even know how to celebrate without monetary core focus.

I recently saw a scathing backlash against a British woman who socially posted a photo of her Christmas tree, barely visible due to dozens of presents. The public's double standards of 'we will buy every store out but you can't show your purchases under a tree' is astounding. Her cash, her tree, her family, her choice. Everyone else...back off and focus on your own tree. How do you not know each gift was $1? Why do you care?  

Jews, on the other hand, spend Crimbo day keeping small proprietors in business, the ones of the Chinese restaurant variety. It's our G-d given right and by G-d, we don't disappoint. It's our time of year to venture past the same ole dishes and try something new. Something with a bit of a kick to it like taking the leap to order a whole fish dish, with face intact. But it must be accompanied by typical items so we don't panic our way into unknown territory without a familiar food harness. That fish face is watching our every step.

My sister's niece believed that Jesus was born in a trough just a short distance from a chain supermarket. She'll be eating kosher Chinese come Christmas day and will be none the wiser. When I was a kid, my bank asked for my Christian name (last name) to open a new account. I proudly declared "I'm Jewish, I don't have a Christian name." But every year as a pre 18 year old, I'd help my neighbours decorate their Christmas tree and I loved it. It was warm, comfortable and sparkly. Walking the few yards home, our own house looked bare in comparison. When I was seven years old, I sneakily placed Christmas decorations in my bedroom, hoping no one would notice. It was as discreet as a foghorn in a church during a one minute silence. The decorations were ripped down and I was ordered never to repeat the same glittery antics as long as I lived under my parents roof. I vowed I'd have my own apartment by the time I turned eight.

So this year, Muppet and I will hit up our regular Chinese joint, watch black & white movies, especially the ones with Shirley Maclaine, and hold serious discussions about what 2016 will bring. Muppet's already laid the foundation. "I want more buffalo lung treats each day. Full of goodness and vitamins that I require to stay beautiful. Go forth and grant my wishes." I replied. "We're donating a bag to a pet shelter and if you don't like the pay forward ethics, you'll be eating cold prison style porridge come the 24th with no jam in the middle. Not even half a teaspoon full."

Happy Christmas and for every Jew...happy Hong Kong style noodle purchase.

Finally, if you're looking for every single excuse to get away from the family, my first four "Living Off The Irony volumes are now on Amazon. Just tell the folks you're living through a catastrophe and need to lay low - you'll not be lying once you read my eBooks. All else, if there's someone you know who lives a life of pessimism, buy them all four volumes as a Christmas gift and that'll knock their negativity right on the head.

Monday, November 23, 2015

First four Autobiography Volumes Live!

I decided to provide an early Christmas treat. Yep, I'm stating 'Christmas' and I applaud anyone else who still believes in not being politically correct and rewriting history by refusing to acknowledge a huge national holiday. I've published my first volumes and now working on the fifth. You can read all four using these links:

Volume 1
Volume 2
Volume 3
Volume 4 

And off you all, any, share, like, write a review, hug it, pray for me, pray for Muppet's paws and always eat the best chocolates in the box. Someone has to. May as well be you, right?

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Volume 2 of Autobiography is Live

It's just published, it's just exciting, it's something worth reading, it's making @muppetbundle snore  - exhausted from her starring role throughout this volume.

This volume lays the foundations of the next 11 years. Life was reasonably decent before 2004. Towards the end of 2004, everything became messy. The more I cleaned it up, the more additional mess came my way. I even vacuumed under the couch, Swiffered skirting boards and wiped out cupboards but the mess kept on coming. I bought industrial sized bleach to blast away the crap but that didn't work. So I ate chocolate while Muppet snacked on chicken and we contemplated how, in the 70's, I'd grown up with watching the only three TV channels available in the UK. Since she's a remote control hoarder, I spent many night explaining life before 9 million channels were available. She's still trying to get her head around it.

Click this link, read and then write a review. It's good weekend me:

Friday, October 9, 2015

Free Promo of My Autobiography Sat - Tues!

Word on the ebook street is that after two weeks of selling your book on KDP, you should offer it for free for a few days as a promotion. So I've been hearing loud and clear that I should do this also and if enough people say the same thing, then I'd be a numpty not to listen. The promo starts tomorrow and it only took one click to set up - it's now absolutely and categorically free. Not even 1c, 1p, 1 ruble or a red Skittle.

Here's the link and if you like it, write a review and give me every star possible:
Based on current sales, I'm debating when I'll be publishing the second volume. There are four in total and I'm already underway writing the fifth while running my business. Muppet and I are busy people, we have hectic lives to lead and we'll be hosting a board meeting to discuss when the second volume will be live. Our board meeting consists of just us. It's a close knit team.

Happy Friday and if you can't be happy, try stick a vague smile on your face and muddle through it.  If you can't do that, stay indoors and watch action movies.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Excerpt from Volume One

Here's a bit more of a sneak from my published book "Living Off the Irony." I was a hyperactive kid and full of curious beans. I swore like a truck driver from verbal frustration with life, other kids and how I was misunderstood. I've written four volumes and volume one is now on Amazon. Click, buy, read, laugh, share, rinse and repeat. Here's the link:

Every year after parents & teachers evening, mum and dad would return home quite bemused.  They found my assessments fascinating and didn’t discourage me but we all had a task at hand: how to tone down my every being.  It was work in progress but as a family, we never achieved these results. It’s now a few decades on and the progress has been at a stagnant pace. Obviously I’m still making steady progress. I was not a lost cause in this topic, just more food for thought and a ‘”Let’s try Plan W because the others in the alphabet weren’t working.’ I never knew what ‘tone down’ meant. Which part? How? Why? Be specific and break it into segments on a chalk board. Guide me.

At least once every two years I’d show up at school in my Brownie (Girl Scout) uniform when it wasn’t a Saint something’s day. I’d then dance around the May Pole after class while the teacher screamed “Heddi, stop swinging your hips so much. We’re in Leeds and you’re seven, not Brazil in your twenties. Take it down a beat.” I cleaned the school guinea pig cage, failed to calculate the tipping point and guinea pig shit, with bundles of straw, would fall on me instead of into trash. Mum would stick me in the bath sighing “We’ll never get those droppings out your ears. They’re lodged in too far.”

I failed at sticking to Brownie class. “If you swear one more time Heddi Cundle, you’re out” ranted the teacher. “Ok, Mrs f-bombing Blogs” to her face and was kicked out. As a skinny runt, I attempted ballet class but forgot my shoes, refused to take my tights off and dance in bare legs, paranoid over my eczema, so the teacher gave me an ultimatum. “No shoes or no return.” I grabbed my leotard and happily bounced out the class. Swan Lake would never contact me and I didn’t really care for a pirouette.

Before gym class, my teacher asked the kids to guess how many socks I had in my gym bag. The highest guess was three. Wrong. I had 11 pairs of socks, worried I’d forget one and the class would see my eczema legs. I responded. “Bravo Ms Capstick, next week lets guess how many kids swear at you behind your back.” I was promptly sent to stand under the grandfather clock in punishment. I hugged it like a long lost friend and talk at it for hours. “Your posture is so good. You’re a great listener. Have you always been this tall?”

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Living Off The Irony - my first book

I wrote a book a while ago but then stuck it on the back burner. Recently, I was nudged to finish it off. So I did and here's the first eBook of a series of four I've written: Living Off The Irony.

There are more ebooks to come because the stuff that's happened to me, it's too much to bottle up in my head. I don't even unwind at night because I have two lives; my day time and my night lucid dreams. It's very hectic in my head. Very very busy. Lots of little machines churning 24/7 without even taking a tea break. That's pure dedication if I've ever seen it.

Enjoy the first book. Based on how traction goes, I'll decide when I'll be launching the second in the series. I'll ask my guardian angels for advice but since they manage to f-bomb everything up, whatever they suggest, I'll just do the opposite.

Enjoy and try to be a bit more brilliant tomorrow than you were today. It's not too much to ask.

Also discovered there's an easier way for you to find my book. How exciting! 

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The Introductory First Step

I've written a series of eBooks and they'll be published shortly. I have no idea how to do this since I've never written any books before and have zip experience in how to promote them once published. I will do what I've always done; wing it and rely on my lucid dreams to make a complete cock up in the process.

There will be many mistakes, a bucket load of errors and a multitude of edits along the way. I'm prepared for no sleep while I fine tune the art of messing it up. I've done it before, I can do it again. I'm an expert in this field. I have four trusty pillows on my bed and each cost $2.50. I have to pack them together to form one decent pillow. It sometimes takes 45 minutes before I've lined them up correctly. One day, I'll be able to afford a proper pillow, the type that doesn't feel like it's a prison donation.

You can follow me on @heddicundle and Mup's just asked if I could include her handle so here goes: @muppetbundle

When the eBooks are published, I may include excerpts from them or I may not. I may write blog posts that are just one sentence or spew a 3.00 am series of paragraphs. My brain doesn't function like the usual suspects so I have no idea what will happen. Sometimes I amaze myself with the crap that comes out. How I write and how I think are two very different things. Bear with me. I have to so you will learn to also.

Done for now. Back to the real world.