Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Excerpt from Volume One

Here's a bit more of a sneak from my published book "Living Off the Irony." I was a hyperactive kid and full of curious beans. I swore like a truck driver from verbal frustration with life, other kids and how I was misunderstood. I've written four volumes and volume one is now on Amazon. Click, buy, read, laugh, share, rinse and repeat. Here's the link:

Every year after parents & teachers evening, mum and dad would return home quite bemused.  They found my assessments fascinating and didn’t discourage me but we all had a task at hand: how to tone down my every being.  It was work in progress but as a family, we never achieved these results. It’s now a few decades on and the progress has been at a stagnant pace. Obviously I’m still making steady progress. I was not a lost cause in this topic, just more food for thought and a ‘”Let’s try Plan W because the others in the alphabet weren’t working.’ I never knew what ‘tone down’ meant. Which part? How? Why? Be specific and break it into segments on a chalk board. Guide me.

At least once every two years I’d show up at school in my Brownie (Girl Scout) uniform when it wasn’t a Saint something’s day. I’d then dance around the May Pole after class while the teacher screamed “Heddi, stop swinging your hips so much. We’re in Leeds and you’re seven, not Brazil in your twenties. Take it down a beat.” I cleaned the school guinea pig cage, failed to calculate the tipping point and guinea pig shit, with bundles of straw, would fall on me instead of into trash. Mum would stick me in the bath sighing “We’ll never get those droppings out your ears. They’re lodged in too far.”

I failed at sticking to Brownie class. “If you swear one more time Heddi Cundle, you’re out” ranted the teacher. “Ok, Mrs f-bombing Blogs” to her face and was kicked out. As a skinny runt, I attempted ballet class but forgot my shoes, refused to take my tights off and dance in bare legs, paranoid over my eczema, so the teacher gave me an ultimatum. “No shoes or no return.” I grabbed my leotard and happily bounced out the class. Swan Lake would never contact me and I didn’t really care for a pirouette.

Before gym class, my teacher asked the kids to guess how many socks I had in my gym bag. The highest guess was three. Wrong. I had 11 pairs of socks, worried I’d forget one and the class would see my eczema legs. I responded. “Bravo Ms Capstick, next week lets guess how many kids swear at you behind your back.” I was promptly sent to stand under the grandfather clock in punishment. I hugged it like a long lost friend and talk at it for hours. “Your posture is so good. You’re a great listener. Have you always been this tall?”

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Living Off The Irony - my first book

I wrote a book a while ago but then stuck it on the back burner. Recently, I was nudged to finish it off. So I did and here's the first eBook of a series of four I've written: Living Off The Irony.

There are more ebooks to come because the stuff that's happened to me, it's too much to bottle up in my head. I don't even unwind at night because I have two lives; my day time and my night lucid dreams. It's very hectic in my head. Very very busy. Lots of little machines churning 24/7 without even taking a tea break. That's pure dedication if I've ever seen it.

Enjoy the first book. Based on how traction goes, I'll decide when I'll be launching the second in the series. I'll ask my guardian angels for advice but since they manage to f-bomb everything up, whatever they suggest, I'll just do the opposite.

Enjoy and try to be a bit more brilliant tomorrow than you were today. It's not too much to ask.

Also discovered there's an easier way for you to find my book. How exciting! myBook.to/HeddiCundle 

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The Introductory First Step

I've written a series of eBooks and they'll be published shortly. I have no idea how to do this since I've never written any books before and have zip experience in how to promote them once published. I will do what I've always done; wing it and rely on my lucid dreams to make a complete cock up in the process.

There will be many mistakes, a bucket load of errors and a multitude of edits along the way. I'm prepared for no sleep while I fine tune the art of messing it up. I've done it before, I can do it again. I'm an expert in this field. I have four trusty pillows on my bed and each cost $2.50. I have to pack them together to form one decent pillow. It sometimes takes 45 minutes before I've lined them up correctly. One day, I'll be able to afford a proper pillow, the type that doesn't feel like it's a prison donation.

You can follow me on @heddicundle and Mup's just asked if I could include her handle so here goes: @muppetbundle

When the eBooks are published, I may include excerpts from them or I may not. I may write blog posts that are just one sentence or spew a 3.00 am series of paragraphs. My brain doesn't function like the usual suspects so I have no idea what will happen. Sometimes I amaze myself with the crap that comes out. How I write and how I think are two very different things. Bear with me. I have to so you will learn to also.

Done for now. Back to the real world.